Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Whatever you do, don’t ask Google

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Have you ever felt miserable and googled your symptoms? Ever done a Web MD search? Did you find out that you probably have cancer and the type of cancer that you have is likely fatal?

It’s the same for criminal stuff. If you love someone who is facing charges, don’t Google. You just don’t want to know. Navigating the courts is scary, but, in this case, I think that it’s scarier knowing the possible outcoms.

In other news, parenting teenagers continues to be challenging. It is unlike anything that I ever imagined. I thought that navigating the foster care world would be the hardest thing we ever had to do as parents. And, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know. I would have missed out on the amazing days. The days with smiles and hugs and laughs. The pride of seeing them succeed. I wouldn’t wish our recent experiences on my worst enemy & I wouldn’t trade my kids for all of the money in the world.

Feelings

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So, I promised more info. And I think I owe it to myself to dive a little deeper and sort of process what happened this weekend.

I chatted with quite a few friends before this visit. It was a really big deal for me/us/her/Bean.

And it’s so hard (impossible?), to know if we’re making the right choices.

I realize there are tons of open adoptions and these sorts of visits happen everyday. But, those aren’t my kids! And most open adoptions happen because a birth parent decides to place a child up for adoption. That just wasn’t the case for us..

So, it wasn’t easy. I think if B would have had his way, we would have cancelled last minute. The “what if”s can be overwhelming. And, we add to the normal worries another layer–we have our boys to think about. Their mom just isn’t in a place where they can have the same experience. We hope that at some point, they, too, will be able to know their biological family. But, for now, we just want them to know that they’re loved and not to be too jealous of Bean.

Anyhow, I am glad we went through with the visit.

Bean had a few things to give to her BM (bio-mom). She took a piece of pottery she had painted and some school work. But, when we arrived, she was too shy. She was sort of doing the hip-hugging hide thing that kiddos do. So, it was a little awkward. But, in a few minutes they found common ground through technology… Bean took my phone and showed BM all the pictures. BM also showed Bean her photos. B & I were a little nervous about how people would be introduced… Bean has a couple bio-siblings… And she knows, but the things she “knows” are vastly different than what she really “gets”. Thankfully, BM was very cautious with her wording.

It was a good visit.

I don’t know that I am in a rush to do it again.

But, I do think it was the right thing to do.

I really hope that this visit (and any possibly in the future) will just help Bean as she becomes her own person. I hope that she feels loved and wanted as sees that her BM loves her, too.

Nature versus Nurture

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(I started this post months and months ago, but abandoned it.. It’s no longer timely for our family. But, I think it’s an important message that I need to get out there. If you know anyone who has adopted or dealt with the foster system, I think that this is one of my stronger pieces about one of the struggles that is so real to them.)

I have blogged before about “Mom Guilt”… I really think it’s a silly thing, but I recently fell prey to it myself.

One of the kids did a particularly ugly behavior. I mean it was *really* bad. So, like any modern mom, I turned to the Internet for support. Some people told me that if it were their kid, they’d beat the kid. One or two surmised that I am raising the next generation’s serial killer… We don’t beat our kids and I am relatively certain that this was not the work of a psychopath. But, it also isn’t and wasn’t something I or we could just ignore.

The behavior was likely just a case of not thinking and poor impulse control. That does not mean that it was o.k. Not even a little. It also doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a consequence…we ended up having an extra helper for lots and lots of chores and lots of one-on-one time with B & me, during which the behavior and choices were discussed over and over again.

Anyhow, now that things are a bit calmer, I was revisiting the Internet comments in my mind… One Mom commented that I shouldn’t feel guilt because no matter what parenting steps I am taking, some of it is just nature. And I agree, no matter what you do as a mom, there are some things you just cannot control. For us, we know that D has ADHD. It has nothing to do with our parenting, it’s just a fact. So, the way that we nurture him is designed to help him with some of those natural issues…

And, on top  of all of that, we have another layer in our family. The nurture that they deserved wasn’t there when they were little. Our poor, sweet, innocent children went through more than I want to even contemplate. They suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to nurture them. They missed out on critical bonding time. There are literally connections in their brains that didn’t form or didn’t form correctly because of the selfish acts of the very people who brought them into the world.

There are some people who have told me that my kids aren’t special or unique because they’re adopted–there is one word for those people–wrong!

My kids are up against both genetic flaws and the uphill battle of getting back what they missed out on… And that makes me sad for them. We have wonderful, amazing children. What strength they have. Thankfully, I think they’re blissfully unaware of what they’ve overcome. But, it’s pretty stunning if you think about it. Most of the adults I know wouldn’t survive what they went through.

Children, and adults, who go through “the system” truly have the deck stacked against them. These are kids who weren’t given up for adoption, they’re kids who were removed from unsafe conditions. In even the *very* best situation, they are torn from the bonds of one family and forced to rebuild with another. And that is the best case.

So, I do have some guilt. I often wonder if I am making the right choices. I feel bad for not checking every single answer on homework. I feel bad that the kids aren’t doing more activites or classes. I feel bad when I see them make bad choices. I feel bad when they act out in public. I have my share of mom guilt. But, I think it’s a waste. 🙂 I adore my kids. I am pretty sure they know that. And I am doing my best. And I think that is all that I can do.