Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

So exposed, yet not seen…

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With Facebook & Instagram & my whole on-line life I am out in big ways. People across the country & around the world are my “friends” and they are often my biggest connections, most personal relationship, biggest fans.

And I do share a lot of me, this blog has huge chunks of my life story. I have shared my family, my weight losses and gains, my running. 
I have shared some of my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I have shared some of the struggles of parenting.

But, there are some things I cannot put out there. Some of the things I am dealing with are too big and too raw and too scary to share. And that means that I traverse those alone.

Still going…

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After my full marathon, I was in pain. If I am being honest, that race took away a lot of my passion for running. I have stuck with it, but none of my races have been great. My times have been slower. *And*, I have been packing on the pounds. I gained about 20 pounds during training. And I have added another 20 since then.

Being heavier makes running so much harder.

Anyhow, being fatter and slower still hasn’t stopped me from at least trying.

Today I ran another half marathon.. I think it was #10?

No records were broken.

But, I wasn’t either!

This course was hilly and involved gravel & lots of dog poop. But, I didn’t let it beat me.

I ran that race.

I rocked that race.

Tomorrow, I start watching my diet again. This will be restart 283 or so. But, at least I am trying.

My next half is already planned.. I have a good 6 months to get a few pounds off and pound a lot of pavement.

12 Years a Wife

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Maybe I should change that title… Eh, anyone who knows me knows I love my role as wife!

Today B and I celebrate 12 years of wedded bliss. A dozen years as partners, a team, a couple.

And here is one shot from most of those years:

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As I have been going through these, it’s amazing how much our lives have changed! It’s also funny how technology changed.. We were wed back in the dark ages & my wedding photos are all photos, no digital! I own the negatives though 🙂 (That used to be important!) And looking for shots from this year, I don’t have any.. Or, rather, I don’t have any on this computer at this point. They’re all hiding in my phone or on the cloud.

What has not changed–I love him, he loves me, we were made to be together.

 

Love you, Baby-Baby!

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Blood, Sweat & Tears

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You all know that I run. And, if you have met me in real life, or seen me run, you know that I am s-l-o-w. There were a few brief moments over the past few years that I wasn’t so slow, but then I have promptly returned to my turtle pace.

I love half marathons… They’re far enough to be a real challenge, but short enough that training doesn’t have to take over my entire life. And I can usually walk the next day 🙂

But, at my speed, half marathons are a grind. They just take a long time. And it’s tough.

In a couple of weeks I will run my next half. I anticipate a time around 3 hours. Yep, 3 hours. Three hours of moving my body, pushing it, grinding out 13.1 miles. Today I was given the gift of a day off. The little dude I watch didn’t need me so I decided to sneak in my long run for the week. I did a 10 mile run. It took me about 2.5 hours.

Historically, if I run over 10 miles there are tears involved… Sometimes there’s a full-on mental breakdown and sobbing even (darn the 26.2 distance!). Usually, they’re happy tears. Almost always they come from thinking about my life. I am a very lucky girl. I start thinking about how amazing it is that this chunky middle-aged mom of 4 can accomplish pushing herself this far.. I think about how often I have doubted myself and cry because there was no need.

But, what really gets the tears flowing is my husband.

During my training, he puts up with me talking non-stop about training.

He does give me a hard time about the race fees, but he is the one earning the money that pays for the races.

He, thankfully, seems to turn a blind eye to the stacks of running clothes and new shoes that magically appear.

He doesn’t get disgusted by my missing toe nails or the weird chaffing issues–at least if he does he hides it well.

And, more importantly, he believes in me. Many times I have sent a text message to him during those long miles. I tell him the truth about how I feel and share my doubt. He never flinches. He always has an encouraging word. He has my back. Today, at mile 8, I was fairly certain I couldn’t run anymore. I decided I would walk and I would complete the distance, but I wouldn’t speed up. I sent him a text. He responded with encouragement and the idea of changing up my music. And it was just what I needed. I think that those last 2 miles were faster than the 2 before. I cranked up some rap and sang along (you can be glad you didn’t have to bear witness to this sight!). And I could almost feel him here with me.

And, yes, I did cry.

I have a wonderful husband.

 

Endings

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One of the oddest things I learned in college was that I could pick my friends.

It still doesn’t feel quite right to not be a friend to everyone. But, it’s ok to be friendly & chose not to spend more time/energy than that.

The worst (hardest?) is when you realize you’ve given too much to someone not worthy.. Not worthy of your time, love, you. It is so hard to walk away from that investment. It means that you misjudged. It means that they aren’t who you thought they were. It means they didn’t value you.

And that stings.

I am not good at it.

I am not good at quitting relationships.

I feel guilty.

But, the truth is that I am worthy. I deserve to be around people who value and love me. And that’s ok.

Once again

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I feel so weak and powerless.

But, once again, I am grieving for a child that will never be.

It *must* be a silent suffering… How could I feel this sad when I have been given so much to be happy for? How dare I love my children with less than all of me…?

But, still I mourn the fact that I will never get to know a child before he is born. I will never look at a baby and see parts of me looking back. And it does hurt.

2015

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So much has happened, but most of it has just been life… The normal busy stuff. The normal day to day, kids, work, friends, sports, school, scouts…

There are huge changes looming on the horizon for us, but nothing that is clear or ready for the masses.

But, we have already started taking on 2015. I ran another half marathon, not quickly! Beanie is days away from cookie season. V & D both have birthdays next week & Dan is already up to his old (bad!) habits at school.

And I, too, am up to my bad habits… I started this post weeks ago & forgot all about it.

In fact, just now I went to get a straw. Seeing the drawer so cluttered, I found 15 things to either toss or donate. Once the crap was out of the way, I saw how dirty the actual drawer was & had to clean that. Ten minutes to grab a straw! That is how my days have been going lately!

Stages of Marriage

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My baby cousin is officially hitched.

The wedding was beautiful.

And the reception was a blast!

But, in honesty, the bigger highlight, for me, was the fact that my siblings were all there. This was the first time since 2006 that we have all been together. My parents have tried to get us all together since then, but the 4 of us are hard to get to come together… And life moves quickly! Since 2006 there have been a few deployments, 4 more grandkids, and a new girlfriend.

Which leads me back to what I started with… Marriage… My youngest brother has a wonderful girlfriend–she may even be the favorite Aunt right now & they’re not even engaged. But, we are all ready for that engagement! It’s fun to be around them. They are obviously in love & at the beginning of a relationship.. They have been together for a couple of years, but they are still DINKs (double-income, no kids). They are a little strapped for cash, living in San Francisco is expensive, but the extra they do have can be spent on themselves. They have long commutes & work hard, but their weekends are filled with friends & football & the dog–no taxiing children, juggling sports and birthday parties and the “have to” junk.

My parents are on the other end of the spectrum… They did it! They raised 4 kids who have all found our ways in the world. They have made it to 44 years wed.

My other siblings and I are in the middle.

In the middle you spend a lot of your time putting out fires.

There are months that we move from crisis to crisis. The chaos of home and work and kids can suck the life out of me (& I like to think I am not alone!).

I like to think, that this middle is also where our love is growing from the young love of newly-weds to the mature love of my parents.

I am so very glad I picked B for this trip.

He makes me laugh (at inappropriate stuff & times). He has my back (always!). He is my biggest cheerleader and my partner in crime.

Often, I don’t have the time or take the time to appreciate him, but a wedding is a good reminder… Our vows remain true and I am still a happy bride.

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Aren’t we cute? Together again 🙂

Obsessed?

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I think I have blogged a little lately.. I am mid-flight so I can’t check. But, I am fairly certain it was about running. And as I was contemplating this post, my mind went straight to my runs.

I guess I am a bit obsessed.

And I am ok with that.

Other than running… The kids went back to school this week. We all (I think all, at least) like the modified year round schedule their school follows. It’s nice to have a couple weeks off several times a year.

However, I am always ready for them to go back to school. I just get a little worn out with kids at home all the time.

So, how did we fill their break..?

Universal Studios
The beach
The movies (twice)
The Science Center
Football practice & a game
The Arizona Coyotes home opener
Video games
Netflix
Pumpkin painting with friends
Brownie craft night (siblings, too)

After this weekend, I think I will take a nap! But, for now, I am heading to Iowa to watch my cousin start his “Happily Ever After”.

Should be fun to see everyone–all of my siblings will be in one place for the first time since my last cousin got married 🙂