What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!
I’m so proud.
And I know that I promised photos. Sorry, I’ve been slacking!
We’ve been back nearly 2 weeks and I’ve yet to get a blog post done. What’s worse, I had my laptop with me and could have been blogging all along. Like I said, sorry!
So, we took off for California on Memorial Day. I thought it was a great plan. I was wrong. We hit tons of traffic in Palm Springs. The traffic was even enough to talk me out of the required stop at the Coach outlet on the way out.
Tuesday we hit Disneyland right as it opened and did a Character Breakfast. If you are going to Disney, this is the way to see characters. They all came to the table and chatted (well, the ones that talk chatted) with the kids and took time for photos and autographs.
We spent the rest of the day at the park lasting until the early evening.
Wednesday, we went back bright and early. But, we didn’t stay long… Bethany was a mess this day. She didn’t get much sleep and wouldn’t ride on *anything*. I learned on this trip that while Bethany loves rides, she doesn’t like the ones that are inside and dark. She’ll gladly take on any roller coaster though.
After lunch, and naps, just the older 2 boys and I headed out. We hit California Adventures for a couple rides & cool Disney Mr. Potato-Head parts… then it was back to Disney. We didn’t mean to, but we didn’t end up making it back to the hotel until nearly 11 that night!
Thursday, we hit the beach… Newport Beach to be precise. The day was totally overcast, but very comfortable and the kids had a blast playing in the sand and surf.
Friday we went back to Disney for a long day of fun.
However, Friday hit me hard. I ended up getting sick on Friday night so Saturday I spent the day recovering. The kids and Brian enjoyed the pool and went to see How to Train Your Dragon at the Imax theater.
And Sunday we headed back home.
I *think* a good time was had by all. I know that I had fun.
I think that I have procrastinating down to an art form. I started working on my craft at a very young age. And I worked hard at it, very hard.
Young kids these days don’t know how easy they have it. When I wanted to avoid work in school, I had to find a friend to play with or go outside or talk on the phone. There weren’t a million games on facebook… there wasn’t an internet full of infinite time wasters. I had to be more creative.
But, now that there are all of those great time sucks out there, I’ve happily let myself fall into each and every one of them today.
Tomorrow, we leave on vacation. Packing for 6 people for 6 days is quite the task. So, I should be started. Heck, other trips I would have been ready to go by now. But, instead I’ve logged record hours on the computer, left my mark on the couch and just not gotten it done.
Wish us me luck! Time to get in gear…
Mama has a new toy!
If y’all don’t know about woot (www.woot.com), then you are missing out. Basically, they offer one item a day at a great price.. typically electronic goodies. Every so-often they have a woot-off and sell item after item.
Anyhow, I bought a Sony E Reader from Woot a week or so ago and it *finally* got here today.
I’m so excited!
I’m now looking for sites that have good low price or free books and any recommendations for books that I should read. The e-book that I bought is a pocket edition–it’s about 5 x 7 and maybe half an inch thick. So, it’s very portable. I’m sure that it will make many trips with me this summer!
Please, send me your favorite recent reads!
One of the things you don’t ponder before you think about foster care and adoption is likely dental care. It’s not that it wouldn’t cross your mind, but there’s no way that you’d know what issues possibly lay ahead for you and your future child.
It’s not uncommon for kids to come into foster care with an illness or lice. It’s pretty typical for them to only have the clothes on their backs–ill fitting and dirty is the typical condition. If a parent is struggling to meet the needs of the child (neglect) or is fighting continually with the child (abuse), it’s likely that there just hasn’t been a lot of effort and attention paid to their health. And, if health isn’t a concern, teeth won’t even make the chart.
It’s very easy and tempting for all moms to allow babies to eat overnight. I know that I was guilty of letting the Bean fall asleep with a bottle more than once. Young, inexperienced or uneducated mom’s don’t often know that juice and soda don’t ever belong in a bottle. And, babies love the sweet!
When babies and toddlers sip all day and night without attention being paid to their dental health, baby bottle rot can occur. And it’s a mess!
The real damage actually comes a few years later. The baby teeth will fall out years before they’re supposed to and the gums will get tough from all of that time with no teeth. When the adult teeth come in it can be painful and difficult for them to break through that layer of scar tissue.
I’m sure that everyone reading has taken care of the teeth of their little ones. If you are going to foster, take all of your children to the dentist as soon as you can. Some say that you should wait until they are two or three years old. If they have teeth, you should take them in.
Not all dentists will see infants and toddlers, it’s imperative that you find a pediatric dentist. They’re amazing. They know how to work with kids and they’re prepared for the special issues (behaviors) that come with treating young children.
Our dentists have been amazing. We’ve seen several of the Doctors at Kid’s Dental Center (http://www.kidsdentalcenter.com/) over the years. They’ve helped us through caps and cavities and right now are helping us get the boys’ mouths ready for all of those adult teeth.
Where to start?
I am very pro-adoption. I think it’s an option that’s overlooked far too often.
I think it’s an amazing way to build a family and can be the greatest gift given to a child.
That being said, I don’t think it should be forced on a father. If a dad wants to raise his child, that is his right. And it’s not about the best parents. It really isn’t. If it were, then would anyone you know be a parent? Are they really the “best” option? There are people out there with more money, more resources, more education that I have. Certainly, there are women who have cleaner homes… You get the drift. It can’t be about the “best”.
It’s an odd thing.
Foster parents fall in love with their children and they often are quick to judge the biological family. The truth is that life is complicated. There are so many choices each and every day. Who knows what life could have in store? There are exceptions, but, by in large, most of these biological parents love their children. Many of them weren’t loved or didn’t feel loved when they were children. They weren’t taught how to love themselves. How do we expect them to love and care for these children? And even when they’re doing how, how do we expect them to live up to our impossibly high standards?
It’s easy to write off the biological parents as losers, addicts, generally horrible people. But, where does that get us? What does that do for the child? And how do we know?
If you were judged by the worst decision you ever made every single day, what would your life be like? Think about the lies you’ve told, the feelings you’ve heart… Think about when you were young and dumb and self-centered. How do you look next to the young mom who made bad choices? Sure, maybe yours didn’t cut as deep or hurt for so long, but you’ve still made mistakes.
The bottom line is that these aren’t our kids. They’re not “yours” until the adoption.
And that can be hard.
You have to love them like your own. You have to give away your heart knowing that it’s going to be broken. You have to be the bigger one out of the whole situation. The one who gives without expecting to receive. And, if you’re exceedingly lucky, maybe that child will get to be a part of your forever family. But, even if they aren’t, they’ll take a piece of you onto the rest of life. They’ll have been given the gift of a parent who loved without judging. And I think that is a pretty precious gift to give.
So, on Tuesday a prop passed in Arizona. It was very publicized. It was for a new 1% sales tax. The money that it raises are to go to education and public safety. What a lot of people probably don’t know is that a big chunk of that money is also going to DES (the Department of Economic Security). DES is the department that CPS (Child Protective Services) falls under.
At school events and foster care events we were told over and over again how important it was to support this prop. Now, I can’t say that I did then nor do I now.
Another thing you might or might not know is that last year as a foster parent, our reimbursement was cut 20% and the additional funds were cut more.. most of them by 50% and some were scrapped altogether. There’s nobody getting rich doing foster care. Or, if they are, their idea of rich is far different than mine. Foster care reimbursement varies from state to state and sometimes even varies based by what county or city you’re in. There’s no consistency in foster care across the country. Heck, here, if you’re fostering a Native American child you re reimbursed at a rate of nearly three times the amount that you’d be receiving for a child the same age of a different race (a child that doesn’t fall under the Indian Child Welfare Act or ICWA).
Now, I don’t know about you, but my expenses didn’t go down 20% last year. I haven’t been able to feed the little guy 20% less or buy him clothes half as often as I’ve needed to in the past. We get about $20 a month to spend on clothing for our little guy. Now, he’s still in toddler clothes and I am a master shopper (thanks, Mom!) so I can buy an outfit for that much. But, what happens during the months that he needs shoes? What about the number of socks that he runs through by wearing them outside (he’s a little rebel)?
So, I’m thinking that now that I’m paying 1% more for everything, I should get a raise… It’s only fair, right? It was a temporary cut…
Well, I’m not going to hold my breath.
So, we have news. This is the big announcement. The adoption date for our little guy is… (drum-roll,please)…. in forever and a day! Whaaa-whaaa….
I wish it were really funny, so I could at least laugh about it. But, it’s not. The courts made a mistake with paperwork and at this point one of his parents still has his/her biological rights. Now, the question you may have on your mind is, what does that mean? Basically it means that they’ll do the whole severance trial all over again. And that takes time. Likely it’ll be several more months until the severance is completed again. Once that is done, we can file a petition for adoption. Once the petition is filed we’ll have about 60 days until we can have our adoption hearing. You should know that 60 days is the expedited adoption date.
So, our wait is now longer. By at least a couple months.
It’s really not fair.
I think that it would be an easier pill to swallow if the same thing hadn’t happened before. When our older boys were in foster care we had to go to three hearings that were all the exact same. One time papers hadn’t been filed correctly, the next time the mom didn’t show. When you’re a foster parent in the court room, you’re meant to be seen and not heard. And I did a really good job following those rules (surprisingly) until the second continuance of that hearing, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. In case you were wondering, that is not a good idea. The judge totally saw me do it and he addressed me (and the court) saying that it’s very important to follow the details so that his findings wouldn’t be overturned upon appeal.
So, logic dictates that I hold my tongue and be peaceful about this latest stall. I have no worries about our future. He will be my forever son one day. And that has to be good enough right now.
Today is that one day of the year when we take care of the women who spend the rest of the year taking care of us.
I’ve always been pretty independent. I think that it comes from being kid #2. Your mom has her hands full… And I guess you’re never lonely, so you don’t worry about being alone. Anyhow, there have been several times this year that I’ve been in need. And it’s funny, what I wanted each time was my mom.
I am pretty sure that she knows that I love her (love you, Mom!). But, one of the things that they say you should do with kids is tell them specifically the things you appreciate. So, here’s a short list of some of the things that make my Mom the best.
The list could go on and on and on. The bottom line is, that I love my mom!
I would be remiss if there wasn’t one other woman I mentioned… My other mom. When I married a few years ago, I really did gain another family. Janice, thank you for taking me into your family with open arms. You raised such an amazing man and you continue to be a wonderful Mom to him and to me.
There are all sorts of other “moms” who had a hand in my upbringing. Some of them realize it, my Grandma, my Great Aunt… some of them probably don’t, my college professor, my former co-worker. I am just glad to have had so many amazing women in my life.
Thank you to all of the Mom’s out there today, especially *my* Mommy!
Sigh.
I hope my mom doesn’t mind me sharing this (sorry, mom)… but, when I started fostering it kind of scared her. Well, I don’t know if scared is/was the right word. But, she was fearful. She worried about us. She mostly worried about me. She worried what would happen if my kids didn’t stay. She worried about the ups and downs and how fast and hard I’d fallen in love with my boys. She worried about me being able to recover from that loss.
And there has, indeed, been loss along our foster and adoption journey. Thankfully, we didn’t lose our boys. We became their forever parents instead. And that baby girl of ours… I do think (maybe, know?) that it would have been the end of me had she not become “my” Bean.
There have been tears shed, things thrown, a few cuss words uttered.
But, honestly, that’s been the least painful of our parenthood journey. At least for me…
The harder part has been the hidden part. My want to conceive has been far more painful.
Answering the questions about having “one of our own” (what a stupid word choice!), seeing how easily others conceive, experiencing the let down of another cycle, another month, another year. And not being able to open up to anyone. Because opening up just means more people getting their hopes up along with you. Telling people just means more questions. Having people know means facing the fact that they do not understand when they carelessly drone on about the woes of pregnancy or the sleepless nights that I so desperately long for. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you… it just kills me a little each time. I know that you don’t say those things to hurt me. You just aren’t there… most of you, thankfully, have never been so you’ll really never understand)
And then there is the guilt. How dare I want for another child when I have four perfect children? How can I take my time and energy away from them? How can I justify the cost of the medications when there are so many things that I could fund for my kids…?
So, here I am. Coming out of hiding. Here I am. Infertile. And really struggling with it right now.
