So, our oldest asked about his biological family recently. We have worked hard to keep a connection for him & his siblings. We have a family tree and photos. We have shown them all of the photos. And we have kept every single letter for them. We know that genetics matter and history matters. But, he is not in a good place. He decided to run away when he didn’t like the rules… no drugs, no vaping, go to school. Needless to say, he is self medicating with pot and other substances. He has decided to let his mental health issues go untreated. And he is an adult. We cannot keep him locked up. We have done every.single.thing in our power to love and support him. And we continue to hope that he will come around, come back home, and progress to adulthood with a high school diploma.

Anyhow, he is in a rough space mentally, emotionally & physically. And he is communicating with his biological family for the first time since he was 4 years old.

And, he has welcomed them with open arms. And it scares me to death! So, here is what I would love to say to her/them.

 

Dear Bio Mom & family,

 

I hope you are enjoying talking with your son. His kind heart and his generous soul are amazing. I hope you don’t take advantage of them and hurt them like you have in the past.

The other day you said something about how us giving him a new name was making you mad… How you only were able to give them names & lives. I promise, we didn’t mean to hurt you by changing their names. We were welcoming them into our lives. We were bonding with them… when I got married, I took my husband’s name… and when we adopted, we shared that name with them as well.

BUT, you didn’t just give birth and a name. You gave trauma… The trauma of being abused and neglected and passed from family member to family member. You gave them genetics… genetics that we are learning include some heavy duty mental illness stuff. And, you gave them the lasting affects of whatever you inhaled or drank while you were carrying them. I have no clue what else you gave them, but I do know there are some scars we cannot explain.

AND, you were allowed to give them everything! You were given chance after chance. Three years with each case… Plenty of time to find a job and a safe place for them.

Now, you are getting another chance. You are getting a chance to step up and apologize for what you did. You are getting a chance to jump in and help.. and he needs help! You could be encouraging him to return to high school. You could tell him that saving his money for his bills is a better priority than a tattoo. You could tell him about your history with the law and the legal system & encourage him to stop some of the dangerous & illegal things he is doing now. You could give him the gift of honesty. Let him know that you haven’t parented all of his siblings either. Tell him the truth about where they are. You could stop referring to your husband as his step-father. Because he is not his step-father. He is a stranger who is married to his biological mom. His mom is married to his dad & we both love him very much.

Feel free to jump in and love him. He needs it! Feel free to help him and guide him. But, no matter what you say to him… you will always be biological mom. I have the sleepless nights, the panic and worry, I have the years of school and friends and girlfriends. I was the one at his practices and games. I was the one who got the call when he was hurt. I was the one that he cried to when you let him down again and again. I am the one on his birth certificate. I am mom.

 

 

 

Or, what I really said…

 

Dear Bio-Family,

 

I hear that you have been connecting with D. I hope that he is getting all of his questions answered. And I hope you are enjoying getting to know him. He is an awesome kid.

I do have a couple favors to ask though… First, he has really been struggling lately. Before COVID hit, he was on track to graduate on time, but now he has dropped out of High School. We would love it if you would share with him the importance of an education. Second, I would appreciate you not speaking poorly of us. We weren’t perfect parents, but we have done our best and given your boys all of our love and attention.

We all hope to see him as a healthy, happy, successful adult. And, hopefully you can help him.

 

Thanks,

 

His Mom

Most of our kiddos are on a modified-year-round school calendar. It’s really nice.. basically, it means that Summer is a little shorter, but Fall & Spring breaks are longer. I love it because it’s so stinking hot here that Summer is long enough even at six weeks. And, it gives us time to travel if we would like during the breaks. This year, however, we will be home for the break. D is still in class most of the time, he does have a couple days off, and B is working a lot, as am I. So, we will try to sneak in fun. Yesterday fun = an afternoon movie & using our Pogo Passes for free Glow Golf. Today, we are heading back to the movies.

I feel bad because my kiddos are stuck helping me when they are home. But, I sort of don’t… Caring for others is so good for them! They get to have a little one who thinks they are the coolest kid ever. And they get to learn a little patience… putting shoes on a three year old is harder than they think! And, probably my favorite thing, it forces them to unplug and play! V & B love making forts & the littles love playing in forts. They create games and scenarios that the littles don’t even start to understand, but everyone is having fun and laughing.

It’s raining a ton here. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t cause any serious flooding. The park by our house is already about halfway full.

 

It has been really, really ugly around here. Thankfully, they take turns, but it feels like one kid is having a complete behavioral meltdown. And, this one has been a doozy!!

And, as a parent, I look inward. I second-guess everything. I ask what I’ve done wrong.. and what I can do better and why am I failing?

But, the truth is… we are doing our best. And this isn’t our fault. Some of it is just kids being kids, some of it is age appropriate (not ok, but “normal”), some of it is because the world is changing *really* fast and teens (and their parents) are still trying to catch up with technology and new social norms.

And, with our kids, that’s not all. Our kids have their genetic makeup–one that we don’t really know. And they have been through trauma. Even in the very best of all foster/adoptive situations, there is trauma. And, foster care, leaves an imprint.. Here are some stagering statistics:

• 40-50% of former foster children end up homless within 18 months of leaving care (I am not sure, but I am hoping/assuming that this is based on kiddos that aged out of the system)
• 25% of foster youths will be incarcerated within 2 years of emancipation
• Former foster youths suffer from PTSD at a rate of 6 times the general population and double the rate of veterans returning from war
• Eight of ten (81 percent) males have been arrested compared to 17 percent of their peers who were not in foster care
• Adolescents who were in foster care are nearly four times as likely as to have attempted suicide as their peers
• Persons with a history of foster care are diagnosed at a significantly higher rate than the general population with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder, and Antisocial Personality
• A variety of studies reported that 30 to 40 percent of foster children have been arrested since they exited foster care. Over one-fourth have spent at least one night in jail and over 15 percent had been convicted of a crime. This compares with only 3.2 percent of the general population who were on probation, in jail, or on parole in 2005

I don’t like to focus on this much… And it’s easy for people to dismiss with our kiddos–our kids came to us relatively young and they have a stable home and family. But, it’s there. Don’t believe me? Want to learn more?

http://www.fostercare2.org/ask-the-pros-2/

https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/featured/suicide-and-the-foster-child

https://adoptioninchildtime.org/bondingbook/striking-back-in-anger-delinquency-and-crime-in-foster-children

And, honestly, I would love to say that I spent hours combing through info to find this, but I didn’t. This was a five minute search to see what I could find.

So, before you judge, just realize that some things are not because of poor parenting.

Not that there was ever a doubt, but I finished another half marathon.

I will say, however, that it was not an easy run. I had phone issues. I ended up running about half of the race in silence. Yuck! I also had some wardrobe issues. I just couldn’t get things adjusted right. And, this is TMI, but I also had some tummy issues. I had to stop twice and wait for a port-a-potty.

But, I am grateful that I have the privilege of a bad run. And I am lucky that this bad run was one in a whole lot of good runs.

Life is good!

 

And, I am enjoying the fact that I am only working 2 days a week and the kids are all in school!

I am working out. Dad is working about 15 different jobs. D is working out on the football field. V is working on my last nerve. And B is working on her splits.

Hopefully I will post more soon!

?? Sort of!

The kids are out of school.

Good= No homework.
Good= Minimal fighting since they are all separated and staring off at screens.
Good= No early alarm clocks for them.
Bad= Still need an alarm for me–gotta get to the gym still and I still have my little guys to watch.
Bad= Four kids who need lunch every.single.day.
Bad= Football season has started already?? That means I am a taxi cab.
Good= Arizona hasn’t gotten the memo about the break and it’s still beautiful out.

In case you didn’t know, MOTY = Mom of the Year.

And I fully expect the award. For reals. I survived a two week break with all of my kids home plus my extras. And my husband worked all of the weekends and we didn’t go on a trip. On top of that, I only lost my mind one day. And, even then, it was only for a few minutes. Seriously. I am waiting for my award.

I struggle with self-doubt. I wonder if it’s just because of my gender. But, I often feel less-than. I struggle with my worth. Even though I love to run & I have accomplished so much with it, I usually finish races feeling bad about what I did. It’s hard for me to not down-play. It’s even hard for me to admit that I am a runner.

All of that being said… I do have some pride. Most of it surrounds my kids!

And this week has been a good week for that!

V & B both were in their school talent show. B’s Brownie troop made it in with a little skit. Out of 50 acts that tried out, she was in one of only 12 that made it. And they did a really good job! V’s class did some line dancing… And, even though he will *not* admit it, he willingly participated and was sort of excited about his partner.

Then, this weekend we went running… V & B did a 1.5 mile run with their running club. Neither won or placed, but V worked hard! He actually beat his sister and had a decent time. B learned how to pace this year. And that is a cool thing to see!

After their race, Dave watched them so that Dan & I could run the 5k. Dan is still a speed demon. He placed third in his age group.

As we were driving away, I was telling them how cool it is to be a parent. Those moments that I get to watch them succeed are just so very cool. There’s nothing like it. I think that watching them succeed feels better than doing it myself.