Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Yea but…

By: comment

So, there is an article that has been floating around my Facebook page. It’s a letter from a stay at home mom to her partner about needing a break.

And it was interesting. Being a SAHM was so different than I imagined. There are still days (more than I care to admit) that I look around and wonder what happened. My plans fall apart, the messes multiply, and a kid pukes ; p

*But*, it’s a good gig. I am so incredibly lucky to have a husband who loves me and provides for all of us. We made a commitment to having a stay at home parent and both value that role.

There are two things I wish I could tell every woman who reads and agrees with that article.

1. This stage is temporary… Little kids are only little for a short period of time. Those days are long and hard and tough. But, they’re limited. I won’t tell you that you will look back and miss them. But, I will tell you that you can and will survive and it’ll be done in the blink of an eye.

In a few blinks of an eye, they’ll be in school full time. Very soon, they won’t want to be in the bathroom with you. And, right after that, they won’t want to admit they know you & won’t even want to be seen with you.

These years aren’t a joke, but they are short. This, too, shall pass!

2. Your husband isn’t the only answer. Yes, SAHP need a break, they need adult conversation, and a life to live. But, those things don’t *have* to come at the expense of your marriage. And your partner isn’t the only one who can fill that need.

Family members can be a huge help. Grandma or Auntie or even a cousin can step up and help. It can be hard to ask, but the answer “yes” is worth that!

No family nearby? Hire some help… Maybe a mother’s helper is the answer, maybe you need a full-on nanny. We had an amazing set of extra hands work with our family for 3 years. She was with the kids 3 afternoons and one evening a week. We were able to have date nights, I could have one on one time with the kids, and I could do laundry without folding around a toddler. It was expensive, but it was worth it.

No cash for that? Trade! Find another mom, trade mornings. Again, it can be hard to ask, but so worth it!

There are other options, too. Look at your church, use the daycare at the gym (you can just take a solo shower! They won’t care!), get creative!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the working parent jumping in. I loathe when my kids refer to B as their “babysitter”. He’s not, he’s dad. But, he’s a dad who works really hard and needs a break, too.

No matter your role, parenting isn’t for wimps.

Parenting fail

By: comment

So, the Bean lost tooth #3 at school yesterday.

And this morning she dropped major tears. The tooth fairy missed her tooth. That bitch! 😉 Whoops!

Then, after school, somehow kid #3 wound up at home *alone* rather than at running club with the rest of us…

Add those to the fact that I took kid #2 to the dentist yesterday & he had a cavity….

I think they’re taking my name off the “Mom of the Year” ballot.

Sigh.

(Hope you voted!)

The Good and the Bad

By: comment

The kids went back to school yesterday (good!). But, I forgot to e-mail their teachers (bad). I was going to let them know about the loss so that they could keep me in the loop if any of the kids had any behaviors that were out of the ordinary. Well, with me forgetting, two of the kids brought it up on their own. Which, I think is a good thing. They seem to be able to talk about it. I think that shows that they’re going through the grieving process.

Through being a foster parent and training the PS-MAPP classes for so long, I learned a lot about grief. The kids that are in the system go through a tremendous amount of loss. They go through loss that is so jarring that many of them cannot recover completely. When you read about kids with attachment disorders, those are the kids who never got back to being a kid. I am grateful for what I learned. I think it makes me a better mom and a better person overall. But, as we’re going through this grieving process, I almost wish I didn’t know. Things have been going o.k. for B and his family. But, I am so incredibly worried about what lies ahead.

I think about the holidays and how they will have sadness attached to them from now on… I know that families go through this every.single.day. But, it still makes me sad for my kiddos. I don’t want them to have to think about who is missing. It’s just not fair (true and bad).

Sigh.

Anyhow, I do see some good. The other day the kids and I went to see D’s therapist and we really focused on Grandpa during the session. Afterwards, the therapist sat down with me one-on-one. She said that the reaction she’s seeing from the kids is typical (good) and that it will take them a long time to process everything. I am just so glad that we have her there as a resource. And I am so thankful for our friends and family who have been thinking/praying about and for us. We are not a religious family, but my theory is that a little bit of extra love is *never* a bad thing.

Please, go and hug on your loved ones just a little bit extra for us today!

 

Loss

By: 3 Comments

We are mid-air on our journey home. I didn’t expect this to be a happy or easy day, tired kids and the stress of travel don’t make for the most peaceful days, even in the best of circumstances. But, I had no clue what a heart-breaking journey this would be…

Yesterday, as we were waiting in customs, B got a call from his sister. His father has passed away….

Only a few months ago, Grandpa was feeling healthy and looking strong. He was having some stomach issues, and they were playing with his diet, but it seemed there was nothing more going on… But, the stomach issues continued to grow. He spent about a week in the hospital a little over a month ago—his gall bladder was removed, they treated him for pneumonia and they put in a stint. He left, but never made it back to healthy.

A few weeks ago he was back in the hospital and they finally found the cause—cancer. Such a horrible disease. Thankfully, they live close to us and their daughter so we were all able to be together and laugh and cry and support him and Grandma..

He’s been doing chemo for the past few weeks. And he was doing o.k. Have I mentioned that cancer sucks?

As you know, my family was gathering in FL for our cruise… We saw Grandpa the morning we left. I wish we would have gotten all of the kids out for hugs, but had my crystal ball been working we would have skipped the whole trip.

I feel so incredibly sad for my husband. I wish he would have gotten more time with his father.

I have told he kids that it is o.k., but there is nothing o.k. He should have had more time. He was too young and we loved him too much. There is nothing o.k. or fair about his death.

I am a very lucky. I am married to a great guy. And it is his parents I have to thank–they raised him right and have him handsome genes. They also have loved me like a daughter. They fully supported us through our crazy journey of foster care (being Grandma and Grandpa to all who came and went no matter how long they were with us). They have loved me, accepted me and treated me like a daughter. And it is not time for me to let go of my Dad yet.

Once we heard the news we worked to get B home with his sister and mom… It was not an easy day. The kids are devastated. B had to be away from us to be with others who need him, too. My parents and family were trying to help as much as they can—but, this is a loss that can’t be fixed, at least not without some time and healing…

Hold close the ones that you love. Use each day and treasure them the best that you can. Life is far too short.

Love you so very much Dad.

Best Dad Ev-ah!

By:

As if you didn’t know, my kids are lucky. The other night, it wasn’t just me spoiling them. If you have kids in the 8-12 age range, you’ve probably been “blessed” by being exposed to a little Adventuretime. Our boys talked B into  watching it with them a week or so ago and he got a kick out of it… especially this part:

So, B had me pick up a little extra bacon (before we heard about the possible bacon crisis!). And he made bacon pancakes. I didn’t get out the camera to photograph them, but they looked delish (and not on my diet!!). He cut up the cooked bacon and put it on the top of the pancakes as the bottom was cooking, then flipped and cooked the other side. Three out of four children agreed that they were awesome. Four out of four kids agreed that they have an awesome dad!

Started with puke… Hasn’t improved.

By: 1 Comment

Sigh.

I am ready to send my crew to bed–the lot of them!!

Little d has an ear infection that made him sick this morning. Big D is being bossy and loud and obnoxious. V is pouting. And I had to carry a crying B all the way home from school.

Add to that some frustration with prescriptions and the fact that I only got a short run in today and I am ready for bed, too.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Good Kids Today

By: comment

When I was a nanny, I often joked that the dull days were the good days. I guess not much has changed. The days that don’t involve drama or phone calls from school or trips to the ER are pretty good days!

Today was full of volunteering at school, errands, doctor’s appointment, laundry, dishes, play dates, tutoring, homework and getting out the Halloween decorations… All pretty dull.

I have to say I love my job today!

20120918-192858.jpg

Nature versus Nurture

By: 1 Comment

(I started this post months and months ago, but abandoned it.. It’s no longer timely for our family. But, I think it’s an important message that I need to get out there. If you know anyone who has adopted or dealt with the foster system, I think that this is one of my stronger pieces about one of the struggles that is so real to them.)

I have blogged before about “Mom Guilt”… I really think it’s a silly thing, but I recently fell prey to it myself.

One of the kids did a particularly ugly behavior. I mean it was *really* bad. So, like any modern mom, I turned to the Internet for support. Some people told me that if it were their kid, they’d beat the kid. One or two surmised that I am raising the next generation’s serial killer… We don’t beat our kids and I am relatively certain that this was not the work of a psychopath. But, it also isn’t and wasn’t something I or we could just ignore.

The behavior was likely just a case of not thinking and poor impulse control. That does not mean that it was o.k. Not even a little. It also doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a consequence…we ended up having an extra helper for lots and lots of chores and lots of one-on-one time with B & me, during which the behavior and choices were discussed over and over again.

Anyhow, now that things are a bit calmer, I was revisiting the Internet comments in my mind… One Mom commented that I shouldn’t feel guilt because no matter what parenting steps I am taking, some of it is just nature. And I agree, no matter what you do as a mom, there are some things you just cannot control. For us, we know that D has ADHD. It has nothing to do with our parenting, it’s just a fact. So, the way that we nurture him is designed to help him with some of those natural issues…

And, on top  of all of that, we have another layer in our family. The nurture that they deserved wasn’t there when they were little. Our poor, sweet, innocent children went through more than I want to even contemplate. They suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to nurture them. They missed out on critical bonding time. There are literally connections in their brains that didn’t form or didn’t form correctly because of the selfish acts of the very people who brought them into the world.

There are some people who have told me that my kids aren’t special or unique because they’re adopted–there is one word for those people–wrong!

My kids are up against both genetic flaws and the uphill battle of getting back what they missed out on… And that makes me sad for them. We have wonderful, amazing children. What strength they have. Thankfully, I think they’re blissfully unaware of what they’ve overcome. But, it’s pretty stunning if you think about it. Most of the adults I know wouldn’t survive what they went through.

Children, and adults, who go through “the system” truly have the deck stacked against them. These are kids who weren’t given up for adoption, they’re kids who were removed from unsafe conditions. In even the *very* best situation, they are torn from the bonds of one family and forced to rebuild with another. And that is the best case.

So, I do have some guilt. I often wonder if I am making the right choices. I feel bad for not checking every single answer on homework. I feel bad that the kids aren’t doing more activites or classes. I feel bad when I see them make bad choices. I feel bad when they act out in public. I have my share of mom guilt. But, I think it’s a waste. 🙂 I adore my kids. I am pretty sure they know that. And I am doing my best. And I think that is all that I can do.

 

Triage

By: comment

In my former life, as a restaurant manager, there were days when I felt like all I did all day was put out fires. I would move from one crisis to the next. I remember talking to myself and trying to prioritize as I went… Beer for the bar, get yelled at by a guest, see if the kitchen had the ticket I was waiting on, run discounts for a server..

 

This past week has been a little like that. It feels like triage at times. What things needed my immediate attention, and what things will survive for a day. Thankfully, it seems to be winding down. Maggie (the pup) had a broken leg and surgery last week. She is feeling better, but very unhappy to still be confined. Grandpa had more than a couple medical issues… He, too, is feeling better and is happy to finally be discharged from the hospital. One Aunt is scheduled for surgery soon and one Uncle just had surgery while another has a broken foot. Oh, and did I mention that Dad is still traveling a ton for work?! Of course, we are never without our kid and parenting issues either. From poor decision making to lying and the drama of not having homework–less of our routine means amped behavior issues.

 

But, like an ER or a restaurant, there are lulls… We cleaned a lot to get ready for visitors–Nana & Papa are in the air headed here right now. And I think that I will get to put my feet up a little this week. Well, after all of the end of school stuff..

Eh,  who am I kidding? School is out after tomorrow. I’ll rest when it restarts!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

By: comment

With all of the drama in the media regarding stay at home moms lately, I often ponder my role in the world. I definitely think that I can have an opinion on politics and the world, even if I don’t bring in a paycheck.

And sometimes I do think that it’s the hardest job in the world. Other times, I think I’m downright spoiled.

But, no matter what kind of day it is, I know that the next day will hold something entirely new.

Yesterday, Bean and I were at Costco (she was my adorable helper as we figured out the self-scanner) when I got a phone call. The reporter who interviewed us for the last piece wanted to know if he could come by again. We loved the segment he did last time so we were happy to participate again. However, that meant a change in plans. In the morning, I’d been pulling out drawers and sorting through them and making all sorts of messes. It seemed that now I had to reverse gears and clean. Nothing helps me crisis clean like a deadline and a television camera headed to my house. I succeeded in cleaning the entire middle floor and most of the downstairs before the kids even made it home from school.

The kids were all well-behaved for the reporter and we are looking forward to seeing the piece–I will, of course, share when it airs.. But, it should be a couple weeks.

And as a reward we took them out for dinner & dessert!

And then we crashed.. for a couple hours. V woke up in the middle of the night though. He had a pretty high temp (103.5) so B and I went to work getting it lowered and trying to get him comfortable. And then a couple hours later Maggie decided that it was time for her to be up.

So, that’s where my mind is. Everyday is something new, but it’s all in a day’s work as a parent. Never a dull moment.

V is feeling better this morning and we’ll be off to the pediatrician as soon as he can fit us in. But, we’ll be able to nap in a nice clean house in the meantime 🙂