Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Frustration

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So, we have news. This is the big announcement. The adoption date for our little guy is… (drum-roll,please)…. in forever and a day! Whaaa-whaaa….

I wish it were really funny, so I could at least laugh about it. But, it’s not. The courts made a mistake with paperwork and at this point one of his parents still has his/her biological rights. Now, the question you may have on your mind is, what does that mean? Basically it means that they’ll do the whole severance trial all over again. And that takes time. Likely it’ll be several more months until the severance is completed again. Once that is done, we can file a petition for adoption. Once the petition is filed we’ll have about 60 days until we can have our adoption hearing. You should know that 60 days is the expedited adoption date.

So, our wait is now longer. By at least a couple months.

It’s really not fair.

I think that it would be an easier pill to swallow if the same thing hadn’t happened before. When our older boys were in foster care we had to go to three hearings that were all the exact same. One time papers hadn’t been filed correctly, the next time the mom didn’t show. When you’re a foster parent in the court room, you’re meant to be seen and not heard. And I did a really good job following those rules (surprisingly) until the second continuance of that hearing, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. In case you were wondering, that is not a good idea. The judge totally saw me do it and he addressed me (and the court) saying that it’s very important to follow the details so that his findings wouldn’t be overturned upon appeal.

So, logic dictates that I hold my tongue and be peaceful about this latest stall. I have no worries about our future. He will be my forever son one day. And that has to be good enough right now.

Now what?

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So, last night was class number two on attachment disorders. And I’m a little out of sorts now. Before the class last night I felt like we were doing well. I felt like I almost didn’t need that class. Then I started talking about our little guy’s behaviors… And I think we have a long way to go.

Oh, how I wish that love would truly fix everything.

Feel that Love!

Can you feel the love through the screen?

Attachment

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Attachments are like a spider web. They build one upon another. Just like making friends. You make one, then you meet their friends and add to the group.

One of the most common issues (in my opinion) that foster and adoptive kids have is attachment disorder.

So, I’ve started to educate myself. I’ve taken classes in the past about infant brain development. And the common thread is always that the first three years are crucial. That children need to trust by having one primary care giver.

But, what happens when they don’t get that? The short answer is that their brains don’t form the same as typical kids. Parts of the brain that aren’t used, don’t develop the same way. With neglect, the brain is often physically smaller than a typical child.

I’ve seen the slides and the photos and the evidence.

I’ve never had anyone tell me what to do after the fact.

Last night I was given hope for the first time. This damage can be reversed! I took the first class in a four part series on attachment disorders. The leader is a therapist that specializes in attachments and I’m so excited. I am hoping that this training will help me be a better parent.

Already, I feel better just thinking that I can actually undo some of the damage.

I hate people.

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If you know me, you’ve heard me say, “I hate people.” The longer you’ve known me, the more often you’ve heard this phrase.

Today, it was tossed around on a website that I frequent. They were talking about a woman who put her adopted son on a plane, alone, on his way back to Russia. At first, I agreed. Adoption is forever. There are no give backs. When you commit to adopting a child, it’s not a short term commitment.

But, then, as I have thought more about this story–and I don’t know how it’s possible to block it from your mind–I cannot have anything near hatred for this woman. I can only imagine the pain and heartache and tears that she’s been going through. To get to a point that you’d make such a horrible decision, what do you have to go through? I can only imagine the sense of loss and failure and pain that she and her family are going through right now. And, it’s not a hurt that left with the child. She’s lost her dream, her child, her identity as a mom. I am not saying that I agree with her choice. I cannot fathom my life without any of my children.

But, I do understand how easy it is to be fooled. I watch new foster/adoptive parents enter our classes and they all have this picture in their minds. They can actually see the little girl or boy who they will love openly. They have nothing but hope for the future. The hardest thing for me to do is get them to realize that love is not enough. These are children who have been neglected, abused, abandoned. They’re survivors who learn how to cope at far too young an age without the guidance that they needed. Love is essential, but it’s just not enough.

I don’t think that I’ve met a foster or adoptive parent who wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. They all have these amazing hearts and homes that they are so willing to open. I just wish they all had the tools to deal with the junk that will come with these hurt little ones.

Some things are worth sharing…

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This was on a message board that I frequent this morning and I really liked it…

Hanna, my seven year old from China, was in the tub. I was helping her rinse the shampoo out of her hair when she asked,  

 

“Am I a little bit Irish?”

My mind swept over some of our recent conversations about our family heritage, and I answered, “Well, ethnically you are Chinese. But since I’m a little bit Irish, then culturally, you are a little bit Irish, too.”

“When did it happen?” Hanna wanted to know.

“When did WHAT happen?” I asked, concentrating on her soapy head.

“When did I become a little bit Irish,” she explained patiently. “Was it when you kissed me for the very first time?”

I paused, shower wand in hand, and watched my daughter squeeze water out of her hair. I thought about the tiny, bundled baby that had been handed to me at the Anhui Hotel seven years earlier, and I remembered how her head felt against my cheek. I hadn’t wanted to scare her; my baby-kiss was soft and swift as I cradled her upon my shoulder. Unremarkable, it was the first kiss of many thousands, yet now, through Hanna, I see it with fairytale eyes:

My first kiss to my adopted daughter infused her with my love, my world, and the generations of my unknown ancestors! Like Sleeping Beauty wakening with a kiss from her Prince, the mother-daughter kiss called forth a magical intermingling– a covenant leaping past genetics, it bestowed Hanna and me upon each other…

My pragmatic daughter had chosen to make sense of the vast, familial complexities of international adoption with a powerfully simple symbol of promise and connection.

“Yes” I said finally. “I think that’s when it happened.”

We were SWAK.

~ Jean MacLeod

Copyright 2006, MacLeod, All Rights Reserved

Now the fun starts!

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The attorney said the end of May for little dude’s adoption!! Time to start planning the party and making the announcements!

Any inspirational ideas?

Dan’s party is today and I still haven’t finished the blog post that I started for it two weeks ago. Next week is Spring Break for the kids so I don’t foresee any extra time in my future.

My Thoughts on Our Open Adoption

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Where do I start?

Is it any wonder that I get *nothing* done around the house? I start in one place and end up clicking through blog upon link upon blog. Somehow I ended up reading several blogs on adoption this morning. And I almost feel like I’m the newbie. What do all of those words mean? Is my vocab wrong?

There are “first moms” and “second moms”… what happened to birth and adoptive? Or biological?? Are those offensive now?

In the classes I teach, we call our foster and adoptive families “resource families”. I don’t know that it properly explains anything though.

Recently, I got a letter from the bio-grandma of our boys. I was shocked. It was a good surprise though. I never expected to hear anything from that biological family. We’ve left the door wide open and hope that we can help our boys fill in the blanks when they’re older…

And I am thankful that she wrote. The letter and its contents will be for them in the future, when they are ready (or, when we think they are ready).  I am so glad that she has chosen to stay in their lives, at least in some small way.

I have amazing children. And it’s not all Brian and I parenting that has made them so. They didn’t come from a void (this is one of my famous quotes…). They came from parents and families and cultures that are different from ours.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I want them to grow and love themselves. I want them to know both who they are and where they came from. And I don’t really know any way to do this other than having an open adoption. I’ll never be able to answer their questions about their biological families. No matter what I do or how hard I try, they will likely have doubts and fears that I won’t be able to fill, only their biological families will be able to fill those voids.

At the same time, I can’t force the relationship either.

We can only open the door, we can’t pull anyone through.

This letter from bio-grandma was the first contact that we’ve had from any bio-family in years.

Sigh.

I don’t know that I’ve really been able to state my thoughts. But, maybe I’ve been able to provide a little food for thought?

Why? This one goes out to the foster parents…

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I get the struggle. I really do. I’ve been there and done that.

 

But, I’m really frustrated with the decisions that some really good foster parents I know are making. It’s such a small, silly thing, but it can put your placements at risk. We aren’t allowed to share photos of our kids with the world. It’s just the rule. It’s a rule that’s there to protect our fragile little ones. It protects them from their biological families in some ways. In other ways, it protects the biological family. And, even if it doesn’t really serve that purpose it’s still a rule. There are lots of silly rules we have to follow. But, we’re the adults. We knew the rules when we started playing the game. And if we break the rules, it’s our children that will pay the penalty. I can’t think of a more stupid reason (I’m sure that CPS has a few) to have a displacement than a foster parent sharing photos of their foster child, but I see foster parents do it all the time.

 

Please, for me, take your kiddos down from your Face Book page. And don’t show them on your blog. Keep them safe and protect them. Follow the rules for them, not for yourself.

 

And, in the long run, it will be worth the wait. I *cannot* wait for the first post that I can share my little dude with you all. He’s beautiful. And I desperately want the world to know him as my own, but he’s not yet. And there’s nothing that I would do to risk him leaving us. It’s just not worth it.