I have so many people around me who are waiting on their phones… families waiting for foster placement, for adoptive placement, for the call to set up travel for international adoption… It’s all so exciting! It makes me miss the days that we were waiting on that phone to ring. And that makes me think about those first few calls when we knew so little.

I thought I’d make a little list of things we would have loved to have known then…

 

1. Just because they call and you say “yes” doesn’t mean that anything is going to happen. Until that kid is at your door, no need to do much of well.. anything! If you “have” to do something, clean! LOL!  When they’re looking for a foster placement they are really just making a plan. At the same time as the agency is calling you to see if you’re interested, CPS is still looking for biological family. They’re also considering other options–is there another adult who could be in the home with the children as a safeguard? Could bio-mom go to drug treatment with the child? So, just because they call.. no need to panic. We have had a dozen calls or so that we said “yes” to that never were placements. We even had one that we waited 2 days to hear that we wouldn’t get placement.
2. Don’t be alarmed when they call you the next day to see if you have the kid. Such an odd call to get, but, here, we’ve gotten that call several times. I chalk it up to different departments not talking to each other.
3. Just because they call you for a little girl who’s 1, don’t expect to have a little girl aged 1 show up at your door. If you know us at all, you’ve probably heard the story again and again, but it’s one that, I think, bears repeating because it’s so crazy that I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to us. I was at the gym working out when B called because they’d called him about an 11 month old little boy. We were thrilled! Our boys were almost 3 & 4 and we knew that they’d do great around a toddler. Well, a couple hours later, A came into our lives. He was obviously *not* 11 months old! He was, in fact, a couple weeks shy of 2. So, we had said yes to a placement that was a disaster for our young family. All three boys were less than 2 years apart in age and within 5 lbs of each other as far as size. For the time that A was with us, the only time that there wasn’t at least one kid crying was when they were all asleep… which brings me to the next point.
4. Just because you say “yes” doesn’t mean you’re right. As a foster parent, it’s drilled into to not take placements that you can’t handle and not to let placements disrupt and all that jazz. And those are good and valid points. But, disruptions do happen. And there’s no way for you to know what will come with each placement. Yes, use your best judgement, but realize that you’re human and your crystal ball probably isn’t any better than mine.
5. Kids don’t need that much stuff. We were always really worried about having the right things. We went out and bought tons of clothes and toys for our boys before we’d even seen them.. and then, when they were finally moved in with us, they came with buckets of stuff! LOL! Don’t get caught up in the drama of trying to buy a whole wardrobe the first day… Or, you could end up like we did with a dozen dresses and a little girl who refused to wear them. As you foster longer, you’ll get to make a network of friends who can help you with new placements. We have been incredibly lucky to have such generous friends and family who have provided so much for each of our spoiled little foster kiddos!! But, the truth is that all of that stuff isn’t important. It’s more important just to be there doing the selfless thing you’re already doing.. they stuff will be there if you need it. It can be expensive taking on a child or two or three who often come with only the clothes on their backs.. don’t stress out about it though. It will be o.k.
6. Lice aren’t the end of the world. They’re no fun, but they can be dealt with.
7. Keep some disposable stuff on hand and frozen meals there for the first couple of days/weeks. Paper plates and plastic cups can just give you the extra half our each day that you might need. It’s o.k. to have a little extra waste while you’re adjusting. When people have bio-babies, family and friends bring meals.. Unfortunately, I’ve never had *anyone* offer to do this for us. But, you are going through even more of an adjustment than someone bringing home a newborn. After all, the newborn you’re bringing home will be going through withdrawls. And, yes, the 4 year old is potty trained and should be able to sleep through the night, but good luck getting either of those to stay true through such a traumatic time in his life.
8. Laugh. It’s o.k. to make really inappropriate jokes. This is a really crazy time, but it will pass.

 

Way back in 2006 we got a call for a little guy named “A”. They told us that he was 11 months old. We knew that D & d’s mom was pregnant and due at some point in the early part of the year, but we didn’t know exactly when so we went ahead and said yes to A. It turns out that he was 23 months old… And it was a disaster of a placement. We had three little boys ages 1, 2, & 3… and in the month and a half that A was with us, they all had birthdays. Crazy times! 

Right in the middle of all of that our Vinny was born. We’d been hoping that Vinny would come to us straight from the hospital. Looking back, it’s likely a good thing that didn’t happen. We were still baby foster parents at that point. I don’t know if we could have handled a newborn with D & d and I know for a fact that we couldn’t have with A added into the mix. Although, I would have loved to have spent the beginning of Vin’s life with him. 

When he was just a little guy, he got to see his big brothers every week. They went on visits to see their bio-mom and Vin was there with her. I even have a picture of their bio-mom when she was pregnant with Vin 🙂 

When he was about six months old, the boys stopped having visits with her. So, they stopped seeing him, too. We’d pretty much given up hope of having him as a part of our family. 

That’s why we were in shock when we got a call a year later! In that year, they’d severed the rights for D & d’s parents.  And we’d taken placement of our little Bean. We were literally only a couple weeks away from adopting D & d when we got the call that would (again) change our lives. The lawyer for Vin called us to ask if we knew that he was in foster care. She wanted to know if we wanted her to let the caseworker know that we were interested in taking placement. Of course, we said yes! I remember calling our agency (somewhat frantically) trying to see what we’d need to do to get our license changed. 

It turns out that I didn’t need to change the license. I needed patience instead! 

We got that first call about Vin in July of 2007, but it wasn’t until October 1st that he was *finally* moved to our home. I can’t say that I really was all that patient. I know that I made more than my fair share of phone calls before his placement finally happened. 

When he showed up I couldn’t believe my eyes. No, really, I thought they had the wrong address! Where did those baby blues come from? 

So, poof, we were a family of 6. I had always joked that the reason that Vin was never placed with us was that I didn’t look like the mom of a Vinny. And, yet, I was. 

When he came he was only 20 months old. Such a little guy. Bean was 10 months old at the time. And I had my hands very full. I tell new foster parents that the first few weeks of having a foster placement are really bad. But, you won’t remember them, so you’ll be willing to do it again. When he came to us, we knew what the roller coaster of being a foster parent meant. We’d been through the torture of court dates and extensions and visits. With your first foster placement, you don’t know any better. This time, we knew what was ahead of us and we still wanted to dive on in. 

As with all foster children, the plan for Vinny was reunification. He was in foster care while his biological family had the time to work on their issues and work the case plan so they could get him back. Another layer of his story was an out of state relative. He had lived with a couple in a different state for several months before coming into care. They loved him very much (still do) and were also asking the courts to have him moved to live with them. 

We knew all of this from day 1, so my mission was to get as much out of this chance as possible. I wanted to give the boys the chance to know their brother (all three). I didn’t know if he’d be here for a week or a month or forever. So, I reminded myself as often as possible (although, not often enough) to get out the camera so that I would always have at least a piece of him. 

  

So, it began. Our lives as his parents. When he had first come into care, they hadn’t called us because he’d been living with the out of state family who only spoke Spanish. So, they looked for a Spanish speaking foster home. They never asked us if we spoke Spanish! I translated for the first few weeks, maybe even a month. I was the crazy lady walking through the grocery store with a bunch of kids, speaking Spanish to the white kid and English to the Mexican kids. Even though Vin didn’t talk much at that point (can’t say the same now!) he still stumped us on a few words in Spanish. It was Halloween time & our neighbors used to make a haunted house. When he’d see their house he’d say, “Cucui”.. We had no clue what he meant, but we have some friends who helped us out. 

We were also lucky to have friends who helped us with clothes for our little guy. He came with very little and an amazing mom from a chat board that I frequent sent a whole box of clothes for him. I remember sitting there going through the box with tears streaming. It was such a hard time for us and to have a “stranger” reach out and care about our little guy meant the world. 

Back then, Vin was having visits twice a week with his biological parents. He’d go see his bio-dad one day a week and then his bio-mom one day a week. 

It was hard. 

Even though he liked being at the visits, he hated to go. He’d run and cry when they’d come to pick him up. 

And, it was hard on the older boys. They didn’t really “get” what made Vin their brother when he was a stranger. And they didn’t understand why he went to see his bio family. 

But, time went by. And we figured things out. The guy who’d come to get Vin started bringing a Lego catalogue with him and Vin would happily go with him. Eventually, the visits moved to McDonald’s and Vinny couldn’t wait to go. 

Over time Vinny became as natural as every other part of our family. We figured out how to take four kids in public. He learned how to hold my hand in the parking lot. He started talking and could tell us what he wanted. And he started to become Vinny. He’s never looked at things the same way our other kids do. He’s always surprised us. Last Christmas, we went to the mountains to go see Brian’s parents. When we were talking about the snow Vinny was very concerned. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to breathe in the snow. That’s just the way that his mind works. 

 

He’s definitely been a challenge to how our minds work. We don’t know much about his life before us. But, we do know that he’s slow to trust. We know he’s very intelligent and at times even a little wise. And we know that he’s our son–through and through.

In the middle of 2008, the visits that Vin was having with his biological dad stopped. And the visits with his biological mom were erratic. 

Of course, we were hoping that this meant that he was getting closer and closer to being ours forever. But, foster care would never be that easy. In January of 2009, Vin had a new caseworker who was ready to move him back into his biological mom’s house. I left court that day in tears. Thankfully, his Guardian ad Litum (GAL or lawyer) stepped up and asked that the court do a little more investigation before he was moved.

In the time that the courts and the case worker did bonding assessments and looked more at his needs, we spoke to his biological mom a few times. She became more comfortable with us. And, eventually, she told the caseworker and the judge that she was ready to give up her rights.

Since we hadn’t heard from bio-dad in such a long time, we thought that severance for him would go very quickly. And, as you know, nothing is quick in foster care! So there were delays.

But, now we’re here. Today we were able to finally adopt our son!

Court was on time (wow! shocker!), and we were so lucky to have a court room full of friends and family to support us on this very joyous occasion. And I only cried a little.

Thank you for all of your support and love over the past few years on this road to forever.

 

Where to start?

I am very pro-adoption. I think it’s an option that’s overlooked far too often.

I think it’s an amazing way to build a family and can be the greatest gift given to a child.

That being said, I don’t think it should be forced on a father. If a dad wants to raise his child, that is his right. And it’s not about the best parents. It really isn’t. If it were, then would anyone you know be a parent? Are they really the “best” option? There are people out there with more money, more resources, more education that I have. Certainly, there are women who have cleaner homes… You get the drift. It can’t be about the “best”.

It’s an odd thing.

Foster parents fall in love with their children and they often are quick to judge the biological family. The truth is that life is complicated. There are so many choices each and every day. Who knows what life could have in store? There are exceptions, but, by in large, most of these biological parents love their children. Many of them weren’t loved or didn’t feel loved when they were children. They weren’t taught how to love themselves. How do we expect them to love and care for these children? And even when they’re doing how, how do we expect them to live up to our impossibly high standards?

It’s easy to write off the biological parents as losers, addicts, generally horrible people. But, where does that get us? What does that do for the child? And how do we know?

If you were judged by the worst decision you ever made every single day, what would your life be like? Think about the lies you’ve told, the feelings you’ve heart… Think about when you were young and dumb and self-centered. How do you look next to the young mom who made bad choices? Sure, maybe yours didn’t cut as deep or hurt for so long, but you’ve still made mistakes.

The bottom line is that these aren’t our kids. They’re not “yours” until the adoption.

And that can be hard.

You have to love them like your own. You have to give away your heart knowing that it’s going to be broken. You have to be the bigger one out of the whole situation. The one who gives without expecting to receive. And, if you’re exceedingly lucky, maybe that child will get to be a part of your forever family. But, even if they aren’t, they’ll take a piece of you onto the rest of life. They’ll have been given the gift of a parent who loved without judging. And I think that is a pretty precious gift to give.