Someone told this kid she was cute or something…
By: Amanda1 Comment
I was running, Jenny.
Well, as I am looking for a photo for this post, I find that I have done a really good job of hiding from the camera. And I can’t say that it was an accident. With each child that comes to our family, I gain baby weight. And then, when they leave, I gain another 20 pounds. Thankfully, I only gained for one kid with both of our last little ones. That still leaves me with another 30 pounds or so that I didn’t have before. And even before this, I had a few that I needed to get off.
So, as the new year starts, I will be the cliche. I did a last hurrah dinner of Rosatti’s (our favorite pizza) with Brian. And I didn’t stress over calories during our party, but I am back on the wagon.
I have no clue why, but the new thing this year is, “resolutions never work, I’m setting goals this year.” I have heard that from about a dozen different people. I don’t know that it really matters what you call it, but I call it some determination and I think that’s a good thing. My “goal” is to either jog or walk or run a mile every day this year. I don’t know that it will help with the pounds, but I do know that it keeps the inches at bay. And I know that I enjoy it. Isn’t that odd? I really like jogging. I know that I don’t look like the typical runner, but I think that I will be there at some point.
If I do want to shed the pounds, I know that my diet is the key. I am going to try my hardest to at least journal what I’m eating. I think that while I will be making big strides with the treadmill, I’ll settle for baby steps as far as my diet.
I certainly do not want this to be the focus of my blog, but it’s top of mind so I wanted to share. And, now, I have a few more people to keep me accountable. (Thanks for that, by the way…)
Normalcy…
So, the question has become, “will you have more foster kids?” And the answer could be a simple “yes”. But, nothing about fostering is simple.
And adding a child to a family–as easy as we make it look–is not something simple.
So, I think the real answer is not right now.
This week the kids will go back to school. And I am looking forward to a little bit of “normalcy”. I have a craft room that is stacked and piled layers deep. I have weeks and weeks of projects. I am going to train for a 5k. I haven’t used my coupons in ages. I am ready to go back to normal!
That being said, the simple answer was a “yes”. We *do* want to foster still. Honestly, I love babies and would love to have another added to our family tomorrow. But, right now is not the time. We want to focus for just awhile on our family.
Be scared, be very scared!
I *am* a medium. Ha!
At least, that’s what the psychic said. I thought it would be fun to go see a psychic and what better time than the new year. So, yesterday my dear friend Jessica treated me to some insight on the upcoming year. Some other things that I learned; I’m going to get my PhD; I will be in need of some rest and relaxation at the end of January (I think that’s a constant need… but that’s just my opinion); Our little guy will have some issues and be frustrated; I will write a book or two–but they won’t be my words, after all, I *am* a medium.
So, if I seem to know what you’re thinking before you do, or, if I *appear* to be talking to myself, just know that I might just be the most gifted person you know.
Ha!
Bears and Deers
Thankfully, we did not come across any bear this trip to the mountains. But, the deer were beautiful. And they were so close to us! Grandpa David (Brian’s dad) feeds the deer by his house so they simply think of people as feeders–not hunters. It was amazing…
And our Christmas was quite merry.
David is learning that there’s no such word as “gots” and I think we may have convinced the kids that they can say deer for one deer or more.
I don’t even know what else to say.
I’m glad that we are back home. And I’m ready to get back to “normal” (as if that exists).
I am so grateful that our kids get to travel. And we are so lucky to have our families. It’s nice to see someone else spoil our kids.
I will post photos later.
Grandma Ruth
How did that happen?
3 years?!?
How is that possible?
Our Sweet Baby
I missed the anniversary of our “Gotcha Day” in my travels. But, I thought it was worth going back for. How were we so lucky that we got that call those years ago? Our sweet little Bean was born on 12/5/06 and came to our home and family on 12/7/06. It would be a lie to say that we knew that she’d be ours forever. But, every.single.second we hoped that that would be true. She was so small that we had to buy a couple preemie outfits for her.
Renee thought that her nose was a little off. Grandpa David was worried about her sucking her lip. Brian and I were worried about the sounds of her breathing… and when we couldn’t hear her breathing, we worried even more.
Such a sweet doll! She was worth the sleepless nights. And she continues to be worth the tantrums.
I love you my baby Bean!
Back to Basics
Thank you for the concern yesterday. I didn’t mean to worry anyone. It was just a rough day. And sometimes all of this junk that I go through is a little on the unreal side, even to me.
Our little ones left today. It was uneventful. As a last act, J played baseball with several glass ornaments. And E was in rare form, out and out just ignoring me today or doing the opposite of what I asked. But, that’s o.k. They’re going through the hard part of all of this. And they’re kids. I’m an adult. I can handle the change.
I think that it’s noticably calmer in our home now. And not just because there are fewer people. Because there’s no uncertainty. We are a family. There’s no question as to how long. There’s no talk of moving or changing. We will move and change, but we will do these as a family, not as individuals. I love those kids. They are me. We are one.
This whole blog thing is for me, right?
It’s o.k. to put my thoughts and feelings out there, isn’t it?
I feel like I don’t want to burden my husband or my family anymore than I already have.
I just finished reading a book called, An Unlit Path. It’s the story of a family who adopted some very hurt children and their story. She went through so much more than we have. Yet, she glossed through years in just a page or two. She didn’t touch on the transitioning of placements. She just talked about the happiness of most times.
I honestly think that if I were to write a book down the road, I could just as easily gloss over these years. I’m sure that time will change my perspective. I’m sure that my wounds will heal. I’m sure that these days will amount to nothing. But, it just doesn’t feel like that now. As we were making the decision to disrupt and to have our youngest two foster children moved, I reminded my husband how bad the first few days, weeks, months were with Daniel and David. And they really were *that* bad. One day, I remember parking the car in a gas station lot and just getting out and crying on the curb in front of the car. The boys were inside happily listening to the radio. I knew they were safe and I knew I needed to get out some of the pain. They’d completely distroyed a playroom in a matter of 20 minutes while I’d been doing the enrollment paperwork for Head Start. They’d literally taken every single toy, book, block, shelf, part that they could reach down. And it took me nearly an hour to put everything back where it was supposed to go.
Looking back, I’d totally overreacted. Nobody was hurt. Nothing was lost. It was o.k. But, that day I had a big old mommy melt down. I’m sure that we’d been having behaviors at home. I know that they wore me down.
That’s where I am right now, too. I’m not quite healthy. And neither are the kids. They all have runny noses, or coughs, or fevers, or a combination. Brian is doing his best to avoid it, but he’s already had one pretty rough bout with it.
And there’s still uncertainty. It’s certain that these children will be leaving. And, it feels like, there’s certainty about where they’re going. But, nobody will say the time and day. And I need to know.
I hate myself for not being sad about them leaving. But, at this point, I’m just ready for the move. Yet, I know that when they’re gone, I will mourn for them.
There’s so much that needs to be done. There is laundry and cleaning and packing and organizing. There’s just playing and being a mom. There’s planning meals and planning for a trip. But, I find myself just shutting down. So I sit her crying.
Right now the little ones are sleeping, getting the rest that they need to let their bodies heal. Littlest girl has done some acting out today, more “stealing” food, more changing clothes, more just not listening… She is feeling the strain, too. She is just beginning to feel comfortable here and she knows that there will be changes. I try to talk to her about what’s happening, but her vocabulary isn’t very big and it’s hard to know what she understands. I feel like she will do so well in the next home. I feel like she will be an amazing little girl in such a short amount of time. I just know that she needs to move. And I hate to make her.
I think that guilt is a huge part of what is weighing me down. How do I let go of that? How do I cope? I know that time will ease this pain. Just as sure as I am that the sun will come up tomorrow, I am sure that our family will come through this stronger than we were a few months ago before we started this latest chapter in our book. I just wish that knowlege was enough to give me the peace that I need so desperately right now.
Thanksgiving (a little late)
A few things I’m thankful for (other than the required and, too often mentioned, family, friends, health and all that dull stuff):
*Sippy Cups
*Spill-proof sippy cups
*DVR’s
*New kids music that I can actually tollerate listening to
*The volume dial on my car stereo
*Drive thrus
*QT’s Diet Rooster Booster
*Brian’s ability to remind me at the perfect times that they are just kids
*Velcro shoes
*The angry mom voice
*Buckles on high chairs, car seats, and everywhere else that can contain kids
*Playlands
*Christmas music on the radio 24/7 from 10/31 until 1/1
*Coupons
*Sales
*My craft area
I’m sure that the list could go on and on and on. And, of course, I truly *am* thankful for my family. I have the best one in the world (argue all you want, I know I’m right on this one).
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