Attachments are like a spider web. They build one upon another. Just like making friends. You make one, then you meet their friends and add to the group.
One of the most common issues (in my opinion) that foster and adoptive kids have is attachment disorder.
So, I’ve started to educate myself. I’ve taken classes in the past about infant brain development. And the common thread is always that the first three years are crucial. That children need to trust by having one primary care giver.
But, what happens when they don’t get that? The short answer is that their brains don’t form the same as typical kids. Parts of the brain that aren’t used, don’t develop the same way. With neglect, the brain is often physically smaller than a typical child.
I’ve seen the slides and the photos and the evidence.
I’ve never had anyone tell me what to do after the fact.
Last night I was given hope for the first time. This damage can be reversed! I took the first class in a four part series on attachment disorders. The leader is a therapist that specializes in attachments and I’m so excited. I am hoping that this training will help me be a better parent.
Already, I feel better just thinking that I can actually undo some of the damage.
This world is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tiny a place.
My husband and I, for the last few years, have been trying to get pregnant. No dice. It’s just not going to happen- well, not without killing me first. So my husband, Kurt, and I have been discussing adoption. I have two adopted sisters and have had five foster brothers in addition to my two biological brothers; so adoption is an natural choice in our family.
During the course of educating ourselves, I have been reading tons about agencies, support groups, blogs (infant vs. older child adoptions) etc. In doing so, I’ve made a few really meaningful connections with some amazingly intelligent and inspiring folk. Among them, my friend Patty. She lives in AZ and we met through a prospective adoptive parent online group. She has been telling me about several different blogs of moms and families who post about their struggles/joys of being foster/adoptive parents. She told me about your blog.
So here I am, reading this really funny, insightful, touching, and honest series of tales of being a foster/adoptive parent & looking at the pictures of your beautiful children when suddenly I recognize someone in your pictures: Your husband! Umpteen hundred years ago, he and I were friends back when I lived in AZ. Bar buddies, really (though I do remember him making a mean Chicken Paprikash at an impromptu dinner party for bar friends at his tiny apartment). So I call my husband over to the computer to see the wild discovery I’ve just made and tell him of how I freaked this poor guy out by just being my usual nut-case self and how sorry I felt for the guy (can’t tell you how glad I am that I didn’t scar him for life- I mean, he couldn’t be too damaged because he has you and you seem incredible!).
In any case, I have found, in reading the many blogs, sites, e-groups etc., that I question how real these people are. Well, now I can say that I actually know/knew someone who is a real living example of foster/adoptive struggle and bliss. You and Brian, have helped put a REAL face on things for me. Thank you- I’m feeling very hopeful about our future as foster/adoptive parents.
Also, congratulations on the awesome family you have- it’s really inspiring and admirable. Kurt and I hope to one day have family as filled with love and giggles as yours seems to be.
Congrats and thank you,
Sydney Henry-Ueno
Welcome to the adoption journey!